Mar 22, 20205 min read

You're Like, SO Gay Cys.

Updated: Jun 23, 2020

What my #ComingOut experience has been like

Welcome to my story...

One of the most important chapters of my life was coming to terms with my sexuality. If I hadn't, I would never have married my loving wife, gave birth to my beautiful daughter Freya, and most importantly I would have never been able to connect with a powerful part of myself. But here's the VERY brief synopsis of my experience now and then.

It was more than just saying "I'm gay". . .

out loud to someone else and the hopeful validation that laid on my conscience. The same that every person in the LGBTQ community wishes for. It represented that I was able to find a new part of me that subconsciously filled many emotional gaps throughout the years. Most people go to college to figure out their career path, and I came to terms with the fact that I was a Lesbian, because that's normal I guess? For me it was a new beginning.

My "Coming Out" process was chaotic... to say the least, but the first conversation went really well. It was like the calm before the storm.

I had been consumed with the anxiety of when I was going to tell my mother the real reasoning behind my distance. It was more than the exams, papers, and binge studying; it was the very conscious fear that i would be rejected by my loved ones, and that my name would be replaced with a societal description that followed. Oh, also not to mention that I had a boyfriend and had feelings for a girl at the same time, who was a sorority sister of mine... who also was currently in a relationship (with a super nice girl which made so much worse) ..aka a whole lotta broken hearts and broken glass in one semester. Well, it was finals week, my sophomore year at Quinnipiac University (Go Bobcats) and I was just so over grappling back and forth with this internal conflict of feelings I thought I had, yet I had never felt them before. Which sounds confusing but made complete sense to me at the time. What didn't make sense was.. the why now? feeling that kept coming over me. Sexual fluidity wasn't really something I had ever felt the need to discover, because I really thought i was just a sexually driven person...willing to experiment but would never everrr be able to love another woman. Yep, totally wrong.

So of course, after poorly coping with way too much tequila on a Thirsty Thursday, this was clearly the B E S T time to have this life changing conversation with the most important person in my life.. and the phone rang until my mother answered a drunk dial at 4:30am.

Super fucking smooth.

Needless to say i scared the shit out of her, as I was already hysterical when she answered the phone. When assuring her no one died and snowballing my mirror rehearsed secrets of how I really had no idea how to come to terms with my feelings for this girl. The silence on the end of the line was shorter than expected, and calmly my mother told me to just focus on my school work and we would talk about everything on the break. That she loved me and just to pretty much keep it in my pants so I didn't hurt anyones feelings during my Eat,Pray, Love moment I was having. The phone call ended, i sat there for a second, took a deep breathe... and just cried. Then it hit me... "That was it?"... my BIG "Coming Out" moment. I was a little disappointed - which is stupid looking back on it. It was just over as fast as it started. Fortunately, for me it was anti-climactic because there are some people who do not have it as easy as I did, and I honestly am forever grateful.

Following this "AH-HA" moment...

came years of trying desperately to navigate being still attracted to men kind-of, a newborn femme lesbian at 21 years old, Finding my Gay family (aka the boys luh you so hard), Pride Months and Parades, Ruining multiple relationships, TruckStop, Cherry Grove, Shy Lounge ( UGH RIP), Monster Bar and the ever evolving triangle of "who dated who" in the world of Long Island and NYC Lesbians. Yikes. No really you have no idea the shit that goes down trying to meet someone coming into a community that has already been congregating for years. Girls who knew they were gay from pre-teen ages and had like "gay- swag" if you would.. while there I was like " But do I look gay enough, in this outfit?" Some who dated for 5 years already, broke up, and now is ripping shots with their ex's new gf. Why? Aren't you supposed to hate your ex? So confused. This would never pan out in the straight world. Straight girls literally light ex-girlfriends on fire. Oh and the kicker- convo starter: The "But are you REALLY a lesbian? whisky breath questions I would get constantly because Birkenstocks and a Snap-back with #Pussy ...aren't exactly a part of my wardrobe.

Pride x Marriage...

You know, It's funny now to see who has ended up with who though. With the light at the end of the vagina tunnel most of us have made it to the other side, and are beginning successful marriages. Which is the most amazing thing in the world. Such a political and emotional step for us gays and lezzies. The normalization of marriages ( no not gay marriage, just marriage) and babies, what a time to be gay and alive. Thank you to all the LGBTQ+ boomers, seriously. We wouldn't be here without them. We continue to celebrate the Stonewall Riots as a symbol of how far we have come, yet also how far we still have to go. We have baby gays, that as much as I joke around about the dating scene, we need to keep fighting for our rights to give them what we have and even more.

It Gets Better...

BUT.. Coming out is never "over".... for anyone who is LGBTQ+ because you don't come out just one time. You come out almost every day. Which is fine, we wear our truth as "out" individuals, but to be frank.. it's fucking annoying. Even being out for over a decade, there's always that pause for a second or two after i say "My Wife and I" or the "no she's my wife, not my sister" that I wait for a reaction from said stranger. Usually, I'm pleasantly surprised with the positive reactions but there's always that asshole. Which, the best advice that I can give when you're your put on the defense with said asshole, is to educate. Knowledge is power, and when you don't fly off the handle you hold that power. There will always be the Bible Psalm reciter, and the Karen that " Just doesn't agree with your lifestyle choices" as if it really is a choice. In my experience, it only "Gets Better" when you make it better. The slogan is great, but you gotta work for it sometimes. I don't want to sound like the American Dad that says you gotta get tough son, but it's true. The world sucks sometimes, and it was easier on me than it ever will be on someone like heather because I "look straight". When we buck back on societal and cultural norms ( BS NORMS mind you) we make room for growth for all to follow. So don't stay closeted, live your truth, life is only so long and we only get one... and some of us our life is shortened because of people who try to make us believe we don't belong.